My Zeal

Over the course of the last several years I have gone through a sort of metamorphosis from a hardwilled, unbending, paranoid and rage filled Fundamentalist, to a more open minded, Catholic, Traditional and moderate Christian. I feel that overall this change has been for the better. I can see the good, and i dare say the Christ, in many things that in the past i saw as nothing but an abomination. I judged so called “cults” (Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, even Roman Catholics) as non Christian Pretenders and doomed to hell. I was unable (or perhaps unwilling) to see the Humanity of Atheists and Homosexuals, instead applying an unrealistic and hateful stereotype to them.  I feel i have grown, not only as a human being, but as a Christian. I believe I am a better (but still imperfect) reflection of my Master.

However I have also noticed a negative in myself. I fear i have lost my zeal for the Gospel. I feel that I no longer have the desire to bring the message of Christ to others that I once Had. I believe that I may better embody the message myself, but I have failed to reflect it to others. I feel my search has been for the ultimate good, but that perhaps I have let something go that I needed to hold on to.

My boldness. Have I lost my saltiness?

Paul Condemned Zeal without Knowledge. And that describes my former self well. But I have I traded Zeal without Knowledge for Knowledge without Zeal? Have I become a more wise and well rounded Christian, only to sacrifice my passion?

I look back at myself, and i am glad to be rid of the anger, and the judgmentalism, and the obstinacy. But I miss the Fire! I miss feeling the imminence of God in my Life and the Passion and Will to do His work. I feel that perhaps I believe, and I obey, but I don’t care in the way i used to.

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